It's a God thing...

         

Hebrews 11:1

"Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"

          This is a very personal post, but I feel like not sharing it would be a mistake. I suppose, like anything else, it is best to start from the beginning....

          Last week I had called our doctor's office to confirm how much we needed to pay for our prenatal care. (For those who don't know, when you are expecting you are expected (like the word play there?) to pay for everything up front.) So back to last week, I had already made a payment, but could not find the receipt, so I needed to know the exact amount we were paying for our appointment on the 16th. Needless to say, there was some confusion because I had added John to my insurance, and I had to wait for them to call me back to double check my benefits. 

          Let me just say that we can't always be as prepared as we hope to be. I had been busting my butt every week putting money back to pay for these medical expenses. I had saved the general amount we discussed, unsure of the total amount like I mentioned before, but I was very confident and ecstatic to know everything would be taken care of. Well, that was all demolished when the Dr.'s office called me back. The amount they were saying I needed to pay had doubled. 

          Money intimidates the life out of me, especially large amounts. Anytime I pay anything that is a large amount of money I get a little anxious. My mind goes to the "what else could this money be used for" part of my brain. So, I was pretty dumbstruck. I just listened, and this poor girl I could tell....she just felt so bad. I'm sure pregnancy hormones played a part but, it was also my disappointment and frustration....I just started crying.....and I could not stop crying. I felt fear because we would have to come up with a lot of money in a short period of time, I felt disappointed because I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was, and I was disappointed in myself too. I should have been more aware of how things would work out once John was added to my insurance policy. I called the person I always call whether I am sick, or upset, or venting, whatever....I called my mom. 

          I am sure I was incoherent when I was talking to her. I will be blunt, I felt like a failure telling my mom this. I am thirty years old, and I am crying because of money I do not have. She told me everything would be okay, that things always worked out and that the best thing I could do was calm down, and try to talk to our HR personnel that handles insurance and ask some questions. My mom worked for Dr. Bartel when I was younger, so she is familiar with how some things work, so it was nice to know what questions to ask. 

          So, going into this last week I had the mindset, "We have to come up with this amount of money by January". I was already telling John things like, we won't go crazy at Christmas for each other, and we would just buy for children in our family. To sum it up, I had cut back as much as the grocery list. However, there was one thing I did not eliminate from the equation and that was our church offering. 

          Let me get something straight because I am by no means the perfect Christian. This is not to brag about me or John this about God saying a BIG "HERE I AM!"  to us. I considered heavily, taking our tithing out until we had this money saved. I went back and forth, struggled trying to determine what I should do. The thing that I kept saying to myself was "Its about Faith Christen." I had to Trust in God...and I think for most people, especially concerning money...its hard to do. So, to make it clear, I wasn't completely confident and we don't pay some astronomical amount...that is between us and God, but even in my fear, I chose to trust. 

          So the appointment was yesterday, and we now know who is in this belly of mine =). Before we announce that I need to get to the point of this post. John sat down in the waiting room and I checked in with the receptionist. She said "Oh,  I have a message for you, you DID meet your deductible and you owe...." I am pretty sure I stared at her like someone who doesn't speak English. It processed slowly. Then there was the  " What, really?....oh...ok....just totally taken back. I was so dazed I couldn't remember if she said to wait to pee in the cup after my sonogram or before. John was looking at me with concerned expression (haha). I had tears forming (happy tears) and I said "God is Good."...I had goosebumps. You see I have read devotionals and seen things about tithing. People who were in worse financial situations like bankruptcy, or losing their homes, who began tithing faithfully and bounced back to prosperity so to speak. My situation isn't near that serious, but I never thought I would give testimony regarding my offering. In case you missed it, not only did we not have to worry about this doubled amount of money, our payment was less than what we had saved already. Also, the deductible will reset at the new year and we will likely have to pay more money, but guess what....God has provided there too. I can only say how humbling the situation has been...I don't know how else to put it. 

Ephesians 2:8

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not through yourselves, it is the gift of God"

          Money is a thing of man....Faith and Trust are things of God. Insurance is not fun.....but I am thankful to have it. I know this was a kind of personal post to make, but when God gives you the opportunity to confess and give testimony for Him, it is not something to take lightly. I am still not the perfect Christian, I am  a human being and like everyone else, I have faults. This experience has helped me to grow. I am thankful for this blessing, not just to be less worried financially, but to know I trusted in God

Pregnancy, Halloween, and Duck Dynasty

....So here lately it seems my belly is expanding at light speed. I can still button my jeans, but they are beginning to feel snug. I have a pair of maternity jeans that I LOVE....but as I have recently discovered....maternity clothes (let me clarify...CUTE maternity clothes) are expensive. I felt like I was making a life decision purchasing jeans and a shirt that will fit my baby belly. I understand that regular clothes are generally expensive too, but there are many more cheap options for the regulars. Aside from my maternity clothes blues, I have began recognizing the baby's movements. I have to say it is a strange feeling to get used to. They are lighter at this time, but as I have been informed...I need to prepare for those kicks right to the ribs. I can't help but flash to Bella Swan's beginnings of labor in Breaking Dawn....okay maybe not that intense....

....Halloween has never been a time that I get super excited about or look forward to.....go ahead, call me a fuddy dud. I hate scary movies...and I think they have become more demented than scary these days. (people have twisted imaginations)....anyways I am kind of chuckling at myself tonight. I went ahead and bought candy for trick or treaters...and we had one come by. As I was grading papers, wondering why no one has knocked on our door, it occurred to me that we never turned our porch light on. ....I can't help but think we subconsciously wanted to keep all the candy for ourselves =)






          Duck Dynasty has recently caught my husband's attention. For the last few hours he has strummed on his guitar in between laughs....and had actual reactions to what they are doing or what is happening. For example, they just blew up a truck and John laughed and said "No WAY!". (he is easily amused) I think it is genuinely funny, but parts of it are obviously "helped" to develop... or something. Nevertheless, I like the show...Phil and Si are my favorite...and then Jase.
           I have to ask though, how does one become a millionaire with a duck caller? Is duck hunting that big in this country? How many duck callers can one person need?.. Everything I hear hunting wise is about deer, elk, and hogs....maybe its something to do with living in Texas....anywho....I will end with a quote I consider to be worth repeating ;).....
          " If they're just barking because they're happy to be a dog in America...I know that bark too" Phil

        Evidence of John reliving his Saturday morning cartoon days with Duck Dynasty

I now pronounce you....Thirty

 

  

   As of tomorrow I will officially be thirty. I suppose I have the option to cry hysterically over the loss of my youth...or start party rockin in honor of my"dirty thirty"....but I can say with a straight face..I don't feel anything out of the ordinary. Honestly, I'm just really happy....
   I'm happy to have spent 3 decades in this world. I'm happy how I've grown as a person. I'm happy that I'm married to John, and how easy it is to love him. I'm happy to be pregnant and settled into my career. I don't have the fanciest, brand new house....I don't have unending amounts of money in my bank account, but I think my growth has a person has allowed me to see the variety of blessings I experience.
   If I was where I am now 5 years ago, I would have felt completely different. I wouldn't recognize the blessings as I do now because I was too selfish to realize it. Again, I don't live in a modern new home...but I do have a roof over my head, and I live in a home full of love. I'm also blessed with a family beyond measure, and friends who have been with me through some very difficult moments in life thus far. Then there's John...
   John completes me on so many levels. John has always supported my love for teaching and coaching. Its not a high paying job, but money isn't the reason people become teachers and John understands that. To be unconditionally supported by John adds more fuel to the fire, and gives me the encouragement to work as hard as I can. I love my students, I want the best for them, but I what I want more...is to be my best for them. I WANT to be a great teacher and coach that prepares them for the next level. John's love helps make these desires of my heart a reality.
   If I could end this cleverly I would, but instead I will say this....When I was 18 I thought I knew everything. Then came 21 and it was an attitude of I'm so much more grown up, I've learned all I ever can about life....and this pattern continued. I believe I will continue to learn as life goes on....and I'm perfectly fine with that. :)

The one thing I said I'd do and actually did...

      (To begin let me say I have no excuses for why its been so long since I last posted anything. However, I feel like I can really handle this blog thing now days)
  
     Out of allll the things I claimed to myself as a youth.....I will only get married once.....I will graduate college by age 25.......I will begin having kids at 30.....the only one I have actually done (in line with my goals) is when I would start my family.
       I found out July 22, 2012 in a doctor's appointment (for something completely different ) that I was indeed pregnant. In fact it was likely the cause of my visit to the doctor in the first place. Our clinic has several doctors with heavy accents that are hard to understand, and this doctor was not my own personal doctor,  but we heard loud and clear "Uhhh Mrs. Christen...you are pregnant...". Immediately I looked at John and we both smiled.... to which the doctor seemed to relax  and asked "Oh, we are happy?" and then went on to ask if John was the father....(the times we live in I guess?). The first person I called was Whitney. My personal pregnancy counselor...whom, I am thankful to say, always shoots straight with me. If I am being a little too cautious or over the top she will definitely tell me. For example, I was terrified about too much caffeine intake and once asked her if I could eat an Oreo. (I was thinking chocolate=caffeine). Her response was "Christen......seriously?...." =) I have loosened up a little, but still very worried about everything I do.
       That brings me to my next thought.....I can't decide if I am allowing myself to enjoy my pregnancy. The first trimester was gag/nasuea/vomit city....I lost weight, which bothered me for the first time ever in life. Don't get me wrong I am ecstatic about being pregnant....but I am constantly thinking about what I need to do to stay healthy.  I find myself saying you can't eat this, you can't eat that....did I drink enough water today?....lay on your left side, not the right. I am constantly thinking about doing the "right thing" to make sure nothing happens to this baby. I think part of it is from the pregnancy we lost early last spring. We never really told anyone about it because we didn't want it to look like we were out for pity, but it was an emotional experience. Anywho, I just think it plays a role in my micromanaging tendencies. Most people tell me I am the typical "first time mother". I am dying for each appointment just to hear that little heart beating.
      I have heard the phrase "A woman becomes a mother as soon as she realizes she is pregnant". It didn't really happen for me that way....which I believe again to be a part of the our lost pregnancy. All I could think of was "get to the first appointment"....and then what do you know... we did make it. Then I had my first sonogram....saw and heard the heartbeat for the first time (again another time they say it sinks in for parents). Not just yet for me....I was complexed....there are two hearts beating in my ONE body. This little tadpole is living inside me. I was trying to wrap my mind around the miracle that is life....but I was scared to get attached. I found myself dying to hear the heartbeat at the next appointment, and once I heard it....relief. Our third appointment however, they could not find it with that portable thing they carry around to listen with. I was not concerend whatsoever....a mother just knows. John came with me to this appointment as well as the first...(he is amazing by the way on so many levels...he will get a blog all about his amazingness at some point)....anyway John was with me and I could tell he was bothered. All I said was "I'm not worried". We went to get a sono so they could a heartbeat...and there he or she was, bouncing and moving around all over the place. I don't know if I have ever been happier. It was like my confidence sky-rocketed! I knew everything was okay before they told me...and my baby has not only grown, but its moving! I think at that point I allowed myself ...to call myself a mother.
     So...yes I have eased up slightly...but I still find myself constantly concerened with what I am doing....I don't know if that will change. I am happy to say I am 15 weeks and going strong. I am waiting to feel that first kick...but I still have a few weeks to go....and then, before I know it...I will know which of the names we picked that we will get to use =)....Until then...here is a picture of our little miracle to hold us over until then.



15 Weeks

Strength

Meredith Nicole

    I chose to use the word strength for Meredith because I believe she embodies the meaning of the word. Imagine your worst case scenario.....then imagine living your worst case scenario at the age of 15. I share Meredith's story not to exploit her, or gain pity for her , but because I am so proud of what she has done to overcome such a tragedy at such a young age.....

Prior to Worst Case Scenario

     I was walking in to Wal Mart with my husband discussing which size bag of dog food we should buy when my phone rings. It's my dad so I answer "Hey Pops!" and I cannot tell you exactly how he told me, but I remember his voice cracking (which stings my heart even thinking about it) and telling me that my fifteen year old sister, Meredith, was pregnant. I could not control myself, I just started crying....in the middle of Wal Mart...so I went to the car. I understand it's not unusual for teen pregnancy these days. There are plenty of TV shows out there "glorifying" it on a daily basis. I was scared for my sister....just for the harder path she was taking..being a mom so young...and needing her education. Yes I was also mad at her boyfriend Collin but it takes two to tango, so the blame was not all his. Collin was Meredith's first serious boyfriend. She was head over heels in love....that moody teenage "my life is nothing without my boyfriend" phase. Been there before, we all go through it....I think. So, here she was with the love her life, and pregnant at 15. 

Meredith's Worst Case Scenario

     Please excuse the detail in my explanation as to how this day went.... It was 6th period...I could hear my phone vibrating in my bag several times when I realize I have missed calls from an 855 phone number and my Uncle Michael. I was so scared because my father is a prison guard and the main number has an 855 prefix, so I thought something had happened to him at work. I called my Uncle back and he answered the phone and told me something that put the delicate nature of life right in my face. Collin, Meredith's boyfriend, had been killed in a car accident. This huge amount of disbelief just sat there...I have lost people in life before, but none so unexpectedly. I kept thinking...maybe there's a mistake...there just has to be. But it was not a mistake. Collin was on his way back from another school campus when he was struck from behind by another car with so much force, that he and the car in front of him were pushed into the intersection. The car in front of Collins went across to my understanding...and his was in the middle of the intersection and was hit...I believe my sister told me by a semi-truck. Just makes you sick doesn't it? What breaks my heart even more is...as this was going on...my sister was waiting for him in a parenting class at school. She was waiting for him.....I repeat that in my head a lot because how devastating is it to wait for someone you love, only to find out you will have to wait much longer than you intended. 

The Funeral

     You wanna talk about hard.....this was brutal. All I wanted, was to be there for my sister but I felt like I couldn't really do anything....What could I say or do? Listening to his mother cry....there are no words to explain the heart break and agony. I remember looking at his sister at the grave side. They were very close....like me and my brother. I can't imagine the hurt she felt and still feels because I know losing my brother is incomprehensible....I don't know how I would survive it. Meredith sat there quietly...staring. She still managed to smile a couple times though. That's what I mean about strength....she's got it. Meredith is soft spoken with a sweet demeanor....don't get me wrong she can be a firecracker when she wants to be, but she is a very sweet girl. 

Life Now

    In four days...it will be the one year anniversary since Collin died. There are so many regrets I have....like only meeting him once. I hate that he could not be at our wedding with Meredith....I hate that Hayden will not know him...but I do find comfort knowing they will meet in Heaven. I don't know if Meredith and Collin would have stayed together forever....but what I do know, is that Collin was the love of her life at the time she lost him....and that is very hard to overcome... especially so young.She still very much misses and loves Collin. I am so proud of her for choosing to keep going in life. It is easy to take the other road and choose self pity the rest of her life but instead, she has an extremely giving heart. She has started her first job and of course I get a text from her saying she cannot wait to get us a Christmas present. I know she gets tired....and having a baby is hard...but she is still going strong. I love my sister....I love Hayden and I hope that their story is inspiring to others. This is not a story of pity this is a story of picking yourself up and pushing yourself through life. I can only hope if I am ever faced with such an awful situation in life....that I am as strong as Meredith. I am also thankful for how wonderful Collin's family has been to Meredith and Hayden. God is good....Hayden's picture below is proof enough for me =)

The Bird

   The day of the bird incident will never leave my mind. It's funny to watch a movie about birds (Rio) and then find yourself rescuing a dying bird 10 minutes after you left the movie. I guess I need to explain a few things first.....
    I have two younger sisters, Meredith and Alexandria (she will kill me for saying her full name). I was about 12-13 years old when Meredith was born and Ali came not much longer after. I am protective of all my siblings, but I think because of the big age difference my sisters and I have, the protective role is slightly more "motherly". So of course, I wish I could give them everything they wanted and protect them from the big bad wolf ( so to speak) but obviously that is not reality. However, the things I can do for them I try to go full steam....maybe even too hard....I think you can understand what I mean after I explain the bird story.....
    This past summer my youngest sister Ali was in town visiting our dad. I took her and my father's girlfriend's son to see the movie "Rio". It was a really good movie, lots of laughing and cute moments. To sum the story up a domesticated bird gets chained to a wild bird and they are trying to escape evil poachers...and it has a happy ending. Well, we have left the movie, and I am taking them back home when we see a bird flutter with a broken wing. Our hearts all jolted and I let out a "No!" and Ali made a very sad "AWWWW" sound. (quick note, we are both EXTREME animal lovers)
    After I hear Ali's "aww" sound my heart just got really tight. I was sad for the bird but sad for my sister too....so I turned around. I parked the car, told them to stay inside while I went to get the bird..... did I mention it was on a busy access road?...well it was....so when the path cleared for a few seconds I took my chance to get to the bird. When we first saw it, it had two wings....the broken wing was completely gone at this point and the poor thing was moving everywhere. I picked it up as a car drove uncomfortably close (the people inside were looking at me like I was crazy) and I had the bird in my hand. So now I am like.....what next? Obviously we can't keep it, it is suffering and there is no way I could kill it to end its suffering...so I did the next best thing I could do, I called our vet, who happens to be family =) and she came to my rescue.
    So here we are....me driving with one hand and holding a bird in another. Ali is asking me questions and I can't think of how to tell her they will have to kill the bird...because it cannot be a pet and cannot survive in the wild with one wing. To say "living in the wild" sounds weird because I live in a very surburan like city but I cannot think of any other way to put it....so wild it is. Anyway, it is at this point I am getting upset because one I can't stand for any animal to suffer or die, but I feel like I am failing my sister (hence the motherly protectiveness). I want so much to make sure she doesn't get upset, that she knows that this is best for the bird. Silly? All this fuss over a bird....which I easily got attached because I held it in my hands and rubbed its' feathers with my thumb...which kept it calm...or maybe it was in shock??? I don't know, but this was not how I expected this day to go to say the least.
    We got to the vet and Jennifer (aka cousin Wennifa) came and got the bird. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and as soon as I shut the door I let the tears flow. I cried so hard because I knew my sister was going to be upset...and I was so scared she would be angry with me and honestly, I was crying for the bird too. I wanted to save the day for my sister but could only take it so far. When we were leaving Ali asked me why they couldn't do anything....and I explained the reasons it couldn't be a pet and would not last outside...in the wild.
    The car ride home was very quiet...I took Ali back to my dad and she went straight to her room. (heart fell to my stomach) My dad walked me to my car and I started crying again because I was worried about Ali. Dad comforted me, told me I did the right thing and that she would be okay and of course she was.... I think it is so funny the way life gives us these little lessons. I am sure many will think who cares about a nasty bird? Honeslty to me though any living thing shouldn't suffer if possible, and at least I helped end this tiny bird's suffering. What I hope to have shown my sister that day, was that all life has value.

Friends That Last a Lifetime

  I have been told sooo many times that I am lucky to still have all my friends from high school. I am not really sure why because I don't really know what life would be like without them, but apparently this is rare. I am proud of our bond that has kept us all together and I am proud of all of our success. I truly believe we all contributed to each other's success and happiness....I don't know how to explain it other than my friends have always made me want to achieve at highest level I can whether they meant to or not. I cannot believe how blessed I am to know these girls, and be friends for over 10 years, truly amazing. This particular entry is for Jennifer and Whitney.



 Jennifer has been my best friend since the 7th grade =) we met at McNiel Jr. High and she asked to come to church with me....there is a joke that goes along with this story because I was kind of intimidated by Jennifer...I thought she was a mean "thug" type, which she  absolutely was not but it's so funny the perceptions we have at a young age. Jennifer always makes me laugh, she gives me honest advice when I am dealing with whatever issue, and she has never judged me....at least not to my face ;) that's a joke! I have always been jealous of her pretty skin and gorgeous smile....she has the whitest teeth ever! She is truly beautiful inside and out. I am amazed with what Jennifer does for a living. She is a nurse in the NICU unit at Baylor Medical Center....I may have screwed up the hospital name but she helps tiny babies have a chance in life. I am proud that she is my friend and I am proud of her hard work....and I don't care how much she gives me a hard time for losing my keys or phone =)



Jennifer and Me



  I met Whitney in high school. She is the textbook tall, thin, beautiful blonde. She is also extremely loyal to all her friends. She is always so thoughtful in everything she does. There was a time when my mother was having a Christmas get-together with me and all of the girls and Whitney brought her a cute Christmas mug with chocolate covered pretzels in it. My mom didn't expect anything because the treat for her was having us all in the house, but my mom felt so special and I remember being really happy because of the smile on my mom's face. Whitney is really good at things like that. Her house always feels cozy and she cooks and is a very good cook at that. On top of that she is an amazing mom. She has a handsome baby boy who is always so happy (of course babies get cranky but this little guy lights up the room with his presence). I love how happy she is and I am so glad she has been my friend all these years.



Whitney and myself =)

   The amazing thing is I have even more wonderful friends that I cannot wait to write about. Friends like mine have brought so much joy to my life. I am grateful, I am honored, and I am BLESSED.