(To begin let me say I have no excuses for why its been so long since I last posted anything. However, I feel like I can really handle this blog thing now days)
Out of allll the things I claimed to myself as a youth.....I will only get married once.....I will graduate college by age 25.......I will begin having kids at 30.....the only one I have actually done (in line with my goals) is when I would start my family.
I found out July 22, 2012 in a doctor's appointment (for something completely different ) that I was indeed pregnant. In fact it was likely the cause of my visit to the doctor in the first place. Our clinic has several doctors with heavy accents that are hard to understand, and this doctor was not my own personal doctor, but we heard loud and clear "Uhhh Mrs. Christen...you are pregnant...". Immediately I looked at John and we both smiled.... to which the doctor seemed to relax and asked "Oh, we are happy?" and then went on to ask if John was the father....(the times we live in I guess?). The first person I called was Whitney. My personal pregnancy counselor...whom, I am thankful to say, always shoots straight with me. If I am being a little too cautious or over the top she will definitely tell me. For example, I was terrified about too much caffeine intake and once asked her if I could eat an Oreo. (I was thinking chocolate=caffeine). Her response was "Christen......seriously?...." =) I have loosened up a little, but still very worried about everything I do.
That brings me to my next thought.....I can't decide if I am allowing myself to enjoy my pregnancy. The first trimester was gag/nasuea/vomit city....I lost weight, which bothered me for the first time ever in life. Don't get me wrong I am ecstatic about being pregnant....but I am constantly thinking about what I need to do to stay healthy. I find myself saying you can't eat this, you can't eat that....did I drink enough water today?....lay on your left side, not the right. I am constantly thinking about doing the "right thing" to make sure nothing happens to this baby. I think part of it is from the pregnancy we lost early last spring. We never really told anyone about it because we didn't want it to look like we were out for pity, but it was an emotional experience. Anywho, I just think it plays a role in my micromanaging tendencies. Most people tell me I am the typical "first time mother". I am dying for each appointment just to hear that little heart beating.
I have heard the phrase "A woman becomes a mother as soon as she realizes she is pregnant". It didn't really happen for me that way....which I believe again to be a part of the our lost pregnancy. All I could think of was "get to the first appointment"....and then what do you know... we did make it. Then I had my first sonogram....saw and heard the heartbeat for the first time (again another time they say it sinks in for parents). Not just yet for me....I was complexed....there are two hearts beating in my ONE body. This little tadpole is living inside me. I was trying to wrap my mind around the miracle that is life....but I was scared to get attached. I found myself dying to hear the heartbeat at the next appointment, and once I heard it....relief. Our third appointment however, they could not find it with that portable thing they carry around to listen with. I was not concerend whatsoever....a mother just knows. John came with me to this appointment as well as the first...(he is amazing by the way on so many levels...he will get a blog all about his amazingness at some point)....anyway John was with me and I could tell he was bothered. All I said was "I'm not worried". We went to get a sono so they could a heartbeat...and there he or she was, bouncing and moving around all over the place. I don't know if I have ever been happier. It was like my confidence sky-rocketed! I knew everything was okay before they told me...and my baby has not only grown, but its moving! I think at that point I allowed myself ...to call myself a mother.
So...yes I have eased up slightly...but I still find myself constantly concerened with what I am doing....I don't know if that will change. I am happy to say I am 15 weeks and going strong. I am waiting to feel that first kick...but I still have a few weeks to go....and then, before I know it...I will know which of the names we picked that we will get to use =)....Until then...here is a picture of our little miracle to hold us over until then.
15 Weeks
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